Maternal Rage – why we aren’t talking about this enough

You feel like you are in control. You’re dealing with your toddler’s meltdown about putting their shoes on with real patience and quietly you feel quite pleased with yourself because you know this is testing. You know you have a lot on your plate.

But now, you can sense that your other, slightly older child, is working their way back to their toys when it’s taken you half an hour to persuade them that it’s time to leave. You try to keep one hand on the youngest and gently coax the older one back into the hallway.

You reach up to the shelf to put your hands on your car keys and find they aren’t in the dish. Where have you put them now?

You check the time and see that you should have left the house ten minutes ago. You pull your phone out of your pocket and calmly you text your friend to tell her you’re running late “I’ll message when we’re in the car”. Your youngest slips from your grip as you go to return to the shoe negotiations with the eldest following.

Out of nowhere you’re shouting. It feels like your blood is literally boiling. Your face is flushed. Without warning you feel out of control. Your hands are now shaking. You throw your bag down on the floor and start slamming doors. The children are suddenly very quiet. You pick up your youngest, more roughly than you intend and you get their feet into their shoes still shouting, still shaking. Thankfully you see your keys in the top of your bag. You get them both into the car and shut the car door.

You are stood on the pavement desperately trying to calm down. Trying to catch your breath. And all you feel is guilt and shame. You don’t know where the rage came from.

You’d clocked how calm you felt but out of nowhere you were raging. You fear that it is just who you are as a parent-someone who hits the roof with no warning.

You look in the car and there are your two beautiful children absolutely fine but you are scared that internally you’ve damaged them.

Does this sound familiar?

I would bet good money that you have told no-one that you have these outbursts. Or if you have, you’ve played down the amount you shouted or just how roughly you felt you’d bundled them out of the house.

I would bet even more good money that you could count on one hand the number of times another Mum has told you she has experienced something like this.

We don’t talk about this because we’re scared, we’re ashamed and we feel terribly guilty.

What you need to know is that you are not a bad Mum.

You are overstimulated by noise and mess and the constant, never-ending care responsibilities. You may be sleep deprived. You don’t have enough support from your partner, co-parent or from your wider family or community.

Your body is telling you something in this moment.

Your body’s natural stress response (fight or flight response) has kicked in because your nervous system is overloaded and feels under threat. You are experiencing anger because something about your set-up is unfair or unjust.

Your needs are always met last, if they are met at all.

We were never meant to parent without the support of others.

We were told we could have it all, made to believe that it’s possible to maintain a relationship, be a good mum, hold down a job and maintain a clean and tidy home. And we’re still being told that in so many ways despite the evidence that this isn’t possible without a lot of support around you and your family.

I want you to take your maternal rage as a sign that you need support and that might mean talking things through with someone who understands. With someone who has been there and who can support you to re-prioritise, affect change, or simply help you feel less alone.